Helping Your Children Face Anxious Times

Not surprisingly, the tragic events of September 11 brought strong emotional reactions from many children. As they hear their parents talk, pick up bits from TV and radio reports, and talk with friends, even young children can gain enough of an understanding of a crisis situation and the tension it has brought, to feel threatened, insecure and generally upset.

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While every child will display emotional responses that differ in their nature and severity, there are some common emotions that occur in reaction to most crisis situations. Fear and anxiety are two of the most common. Children may assume that the bad things that have happened could also happen to them. They may also become anxious and uncertain because they know or understand only part of what is happening. Children also fear the loss of stability in their lives. They sense things have changed, but don't know what it really means for them.

In times of crisis, children need caring adults who are willing to help them understand and deal with the emotions they're facing. There are many things you can do to help your children at these times:

• Listen to your child. Encourage him or her to express what he or she is feeling. Let your child know you understand those feelings.
• Respond to questions honestly, but in an age-appropriate manner. A 6-year old does not need or want all the details; a 12-year old may feel even more threatened if it appears you are hiding things.
• Be willing to discuss difficult issues. You won't have all the answers, but be willing to talk about what you do know and understand. Encouraging your child to express his or her thoughts can help the child put the situation into perspective.
• Limit exposure to negative information for younger children (up to about age 9 or 10). Too many adult-oriented details (as from TV reports) will make most children, especially younger children, feel more anxious and emotional.
• Stick to factual information. Avoid projecting your own fears onto your child. Your children are sensitive to your feelings and will pick up on your emotional state. Be as strong and supportive as possible. It's okay to stress how serious a situation might be, but don't increase your child's fears of what is happening.
• Look for signs that your child may be having a strong emotional reaction, even if it isn't being verbally expressed. Crying, nightmares, or repeatedly asking the same anxious questions are signs of a strong emotional reaction. Subtle signs such as facial expressions, voice tone, mood swings and overall behavior also indicate how your child is feeling and reacting.
• Offer reassurances to a child of his or her safety. Crisis events often bring changes, such as increased security. Let your child know how such changes pertain to his or her personal safety.
• Assure your child you're personally there to protect and provide. Provide both verbal and physical reassurances of your love and your caring. Say "I love you" and offer hugs and kisses to back up that message.
• Accept that your child may have reactions he or she can't control - nightmares, behavior changes, emotional outbursts, anger. Don't blame your child for such reactions. Help him or her understand what is happening. Be there to comfort, support and help.
• Try to maintain normal routines. Helping the child to see that family life is still the same, despite the crisis, is reassuring. Adding some special touches, such as an extra stuffed animal or extra story time for a young child, can help reduce nighttime anxieties.
• Discuss, but don't over-emphasize, your own feelings. Make it clear there's nothing wrong with feeling a little scared, upset, sad or confused. Discuss how to cope with and overcome such feelings.
• Be honest. Children usually know when they're being mislead. Don't make them more scared or insecure by having those they love and trust most not willing to tell them the truth.