Rules for Fair Fighting

In any relationship, differences of opinion are bound to arise. That's especially true of long-term, intimate relationships, such as marriage. From decisions over what TV show to watch, to disagreements about major life issues, every relationship presents a wide range of opportunities for discussion, arguments and fighting.

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The fact that even the most loving couples can sometimes disagree is nothing to be concerned about. In fact, it can actually provide endless opportunities for the relationship to grow closer and more loving, but only if the basic foundations of love, respect and equality are hallmarks of the relationship.

I often advise clients that an excellent test of the quality of their relationship is how safe they feel when they are in the middle of an argument. If it's possible to have and express a different opinion than your partner, while feeling both physically and emotionally safe, then you most likely have a very healthy relationship.

In other words, if you can be really steamed at your partner, and say so appropriately without fearing repercussions, you have a wonderful, loving relationship. At that moment, you probably realize that this too will pass and your more typical feelings of warmth and closeness toward your partner will soon return. Of course, it should go without saying that the best practice is to express your thoughts, feelings and opinions with kindness, diplomacy and tact, rather than with an abrasive, in-your-face kind of approach.

Since it's simply normal human nature for people to have differences to iron out on a regular basis, it's important to develop strategies for how to have arguments, or what I call "fair fighting." The following suggestions can help set the ground rules for a fair fight the next time your loved one does or says something that really gets you riled up.

Try not to start an argument at a bad time. When you're overly angry, rushed, tired, hungry, distracted, or otherwise feeling badly, it's not the time to fight. Instead, agree to discuss the sore spot at an agreed time when you're both likely to be in a good frame of mind, alone and have the time for a meaningful discussion.

Have a discussion, not a yelling match. Speak in a normal tone of voice. Rather than make angry, accusatory statements, express your feelings by using "I messages," such as "When you didn't call, I really felt worried."

State factually what's bothering you. Speak in first person. Saying, "I'm upset that you didn't call about being late," is more effective than saying, "You never call when you're going to be late." Absolute statements such as, "You never..." or "You always..." are never quite true and always cloud the issue at hand.

Stick to the subject being discussed. Don't bring up past, old hurts or unrelated issues. That's another argument for another day.

Don't hit "below the belt." Unkind, hurtful statements about your partner's character, appearance, or personality only bring anger and retaliation.

Maintain eye contact. Don't walk away or turn your back.

Accept responsibility for your own behavior, but no one else's.

Recognize that feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. Recognize that while feelings can't be judged, behavior can and should be.

Stay as calm and in control as possible. If feelings and emotions become too overwhelming, ask to take a break and then to come back to the discussion at an agreed time. If your partner needs such a break, graciously provide one.

Clarify decisions made. When a problem has been negotiated or settled, clearly restate what has been agreed to and what actions will be taken, by whom, and when. (Example: "When I'll be late for dinner, I'll call by 5PM to let you know.")

No physical attacks allowed! Ever!

While it would be nice if disagreements never occurred, that simply isn't reality. Tips like these can help provide an arena in which fair fights and the resolutions of arguments can occur. But if you find that fighting is non-stop and that there never seems to be a way to disagree fairly, consider seeing a counseling professional who specializes in relationship issues.

Elaine Lovegreen, M.A., of "Living in Balance," is a holistic counselor/educator in private practice in New York State. She's a writer, editor and community volunteer who assists with a wide variety of overall health and wellness issues.