Building Bridges Within a Marriage

"To love, honor and cherish..." - they're the promises made by most couples on their wedding day, promises made in earnest, with hearts full of hope. They're also promises that provide significant challenges - challenges that apparently can't be met in the almost half of all marriages as they end in divorce.

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While the reasons for divorce are many, a common thread in virtually all fractured relationships is a lack of communication. That may seem surprising, since communicating with others appears to be hard wired into our physiology for most people. Why then, if communication is vital to our survival as individuals and to the institution of marriage, are we often so bad at it?

One reason may be that many of us never really learned the skills necessary to communicate effectively. If communication is about sharing our feelings and experiences with each other, then communication can also be viewed as the bridge that connects us to others. Our communication goal, therefore, should be "bridge" building, not "wall" making as it too often seems to be in many marriages.

To communicate effectively within a marriage, to build that connecting bridge, it's important that the relationship create "emotional safety" for the partners. Your relationship should be a haven from the storms of life. But all too often, a relationship becomes a battleground where each partner becomes well schooled in the art of inflicting pain on the other. In such cases, it's impossible to really hear what the other person is saying, since most of the time you're trying to protect yourself from further attack or figure out how to counter-attack yourself.

To help build a safe haven within your marriage, here are some guidelines that can help improve meaningful communication:

• Listen, really listen to each other - that means keeping quiet - not interrupting or defending yourself while your partner is speaking.
• Put yourself in your partner's shoes - that doesn't mean agreeing with your partner, but only stretching yourself enough to understand the experience your partner is sharing.
• Validate your partner's feelings - provide feedback that shows you truly understand what is being said. All of us need to feel understood - when it happens it's a powerful feeling that fosters intimacy.
• Listen not just to the words, but also for the feeling within the message. Try to understand the hurt, sadness, anger, loss, betrayal or other emotions being expressed.
• Ask for more information. As you listen, ask for clarification, get all the facts, be sure you understand and don't jump to conclusions.
• Monitor your nonverbal messages. Voice tone, hand gestures, facial expressions, eye contact, posture, even the distance between you, can all send powerful messages. Think of the difference between saying "I love you" while looking into your partner's eyes, or saying the same phrase while looking out the window or staring at the floor.
• Use "I" rather than "You" messages. Statements that start with "I" foster communication. "You" statements that assign blame stifle it. Saying to your partner that "You are terrible at handling money" can't help but bring a defensive reaction. Saying, instead, "I'm really concerned about our finances," is much less threatening and can open a positive discussion without pointing a finger of blame.
• Make time for significant discussions. Set appointments. Don't have important conversations on the way out the door. Show your partner that you are willing to listen one hundred percent.
• Tell your partner ahead of time what the issue is, rather than launching a surprise attack. Demonstrate you want to communicate to find solutions, not just to assign blame.
• Stay focused on the issue at hand. Don't dredge up old hurts from the past. The longer you know each other the more ammunition you have in your arsenal. Drop the past. Your goal is not to search and destroy. You're seeking ways to develop intimacy with the person you have chosen to spend your life.