Taking Steps to Control Anger

Anger is a problem many people face, a problem that can seriously disrupt someone's life and cause distress. Anger at school can get a child reprimanded, merit detention, or mean a suspension or expulsion from school. Anger in a teenager can lead to fighting, trouble at school and home, or even problems with the law. For an adult, anger can result in losing a job, ruining a marriage, wrecking relationships with one's children, and much worse.

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The bottom line - both adults and children can benefit from learning how to control their anger. As might be expected, control of your anger requires effort on your part, and, unfortunately, change is never easy. We generally behave in certain ways for two reasons. One is that we have learned a behavior from modeling on people in our lives. Parents, relatives, teachers and peers may have set examples from which we learned, often unconsciously.

A second reason for behaving in a manner not in our best interest is because we don't know any better. We may not recognize how our behavior is hurting us or others, and no one is willing to tell us. Or our lack of knowledge may be in not knowing how to change and make things different.

Changing a behavior such as anger can be difficult because the behavior brings us some benefit, even if only in small amounts. It doesn't take much reinforcement to maintain a behavior. If we get angry and find it releases tension even one out of twenty times, that can be enough to maintain the behavior and avoid the difficult work of trying to change.

Where does our anger come from? Usually from something we believe is "unfair" and knowing we "can't stand it" when things are unfair. In such situations, our reactions are often immediate. For example, a child may be disciplined for talking during class. The child loudly complains to the teacher that the boy next to him was also talking, but instead of punishing the second child, the teacher responds by increasing the punishment.

The now-angry child punches the second child and curses the teacher. It wasn't a planned thing. It "just happened." It may not be until sometime later that there is even an awareness of what happened.

And it doesn't happen just to kids. When we're cut off in traffic, overlooked in a restaurant, ignored by a store clerk, unjustly accused by a spouse, or insulted by a boss or co-worker, we may feel it's unfair and react angrily before even realizing what we're doing.

So how can we effectively control our anger? Time is a key. For each second between the "unfair" event and your reaction, your chances of making a healthier decision are greatly increased. If that child paused for a few seconds when told he was being punished, he might have come up with a less-damaging alternative action. When your boss makes your blood boil, waiting, instead of immediately reacting, will almost always produce more positive results.

But how do you add that "cooling off" time? One easy technique involves breathing. Since anger comes from thoughts of unfairness, replacing such thoughts will buy you time. When cut off in traffic, breath in slowly and count to 20 silently. Pay attention to counting slowly. Focus on your breathing, making sure to breathe slowly and deeply, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Listen to the sound of your breathing. Feel the motion of the air. Smell of the air.

Another anger management technique is "square breathing." Inhale slowly while counting to five. Hold that breath for a count of five, exhale slowly for a count of five, then count to five before the next breath. Continue doing this until you feel less angry and more in control of your thoughts. Then think about your choices of how to react and the consequences of each choice. What will get you what you really want?

If more help is needed than simply refocusing your thoughts through breathing, try having a friend or family member give you clues when you are losing your temper. This can be difficult, since someone with an anger problem often gets angrier when someone tries to get into the middle of a situation.

Sometimes, seeking professional help is the answer. This is especially true if you find your anger is frequent and causing real problems in your work, family or relationships with others. A professional counselor will work with you to help you identify the causes of your anger and find ways to control your reactions.