Managing Transitions

Transitions come into our lives in many forms. Some are the result of choices we make: a job change, having a baby, getting a divorce. Some are part of the normal progression of life: graduations, promotions, retirement. Some come unexpectedly: illness, downsizing or having to relocate.

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All transitions, both those we seek and those that surprise us, require change. They are a threat to the usualness of our lives. Often, even though we know transitions are coming, we are unprepared for our reactions to them. They may awaken fears about the future and frustrations with things that are out of our control.

The good news is that transitions are springboards into our future. Whether timely or not, they put us in a position to review who we are, how we are living and what we want from the rest of our lives. Transitions allow us to become the author of the next chapter of our lives.

Whatever type of transition we face, one thing they all have in common is that any transition always requires some sort of ending. We must say goodbye to whatever we are leaving: the school, the neighborhood, the home, the family or the old self.

Even when the transition is a good one, we need to acknowledge a loss or change, and sometimes we need to actually grieve. Trying to skip this step or pretending there are no feelings about an ending usually does not work. Fortunately, we have rituals that help in this process. We hold graduation ceremonies, promotion dinners and moving- away parties to both honor the end and celebrate the new beginning.

People who do not truly say goodbye to the past life may have difficulty in the new one. When too many of our thoughts go into the old friends, old job, old school or how things used to be, we have no energy left to participate in the new life in front of us.

Though endings can be hard and new beginnings scary, the hardest part of a transition is the middle, uncertain phase. During this time it's difficult to know if our decisions have been good ones. We are unclear if the path we are on will turn out for the best. However, we can usually tolerate that up-in-the-air feeling if the transition has meaning for us. In fact, the uncertainty can be exhilarating if we feel that we are moving closer to a goal we desire.

Here are some tips to help through a transition:

• Remember that our perceptions are not always accurate. When we are in transition we may "awfulize" (tell ourselves that things are worse than they really are). Recognize this and talk to yourself to stay grounded. Thinking, "I can handle this," is much better than thinking, "Everything is hopeless." Be careful not to rehash old fears and traumas. Some times simply adopting a confident wait-and-see attitude can smooth a transition better than trying to force an outcome. Talk to someone who can help. It can be any family member or friend who can remain objective and keep from catching your anxiety. You want someone who says, "We all go through that," or "Is there something specific you need to do?" to help you keep your perspective. Sometimes, professional help, such as talking with a counselor or someone in the clergy, can help you keep your eye on what is valuable, rather than being sidetracked by less significant details.
• Log your experiences. Write down what is happening, how you are feeling about it, what you need to do and what is keeping you from doing it. Getting our thoughts into a concrete form helps stop the rumination and get us into action.
• Review your past transitions. Recognize that you have handled many transitions in your life and have demonstrated over and over the ability to tolerate change. Pay attention to the fact that most transitions, even ones you did not choose, have created new opportunities for personal growth and success. Imagine the new job, neighborhood, school or relationship as the best thing that ever happened to you.

Most of the time simply believing in the exciting possibilities of the future can have a positive influence on your behavior right now. This belief will let you embark on your next transition with hope, confidence and eagerness for your new beginning.

Mary DuParri is a Licensed Professional Counselor, National Certified Counselor, speaker and group facilitator and in private practice in Chesterfield, Missouri.